US-POLITICS-TRUMP
Source: MANDEL NGAN / Getty

We’re back with another installment of Surviving Trump, our regular round-up of President Donald Trump’s absurd statements, policies, and propaganda, as well as his consistent displays of abject stupidity. As I’ve mentioned before, it’s a tedious job, but not a difficult one. It’s like a Where’s Waldo photo where you’re tasked with finding literally everyone except Waldo.

Today we ask: what planet does Trump live on, and is he roommates with Mitch McConnell’s consciousness there? (Sorry, Mitch, that was a cheap shot, I know.)

Let’s get into it…

Trump Jumps The Shark…Again

For some reason, on Thursday, while speaking during a Rose Garden dinner at the White House, Trump felt the need to remind people about the time he started ranting about boat batteries sinking ships, forcing hypothetical sailors to have to choose between getting electrocuted or being eaten by sharks, which, of course, some likely imaginary boat battery expert told him was a brilliant observation.

2024

2026

“I said, ‘so here’s my question.’ You remember this? I used to say it during the campaign, driving the press crazy, but people found it sort of amusing,” Trump said — apparently unaware that people find him amusing for the same reason it’s funny to watch clowns pile out of a clown car that is clearly too small for all of those clowns. “I said, ‘so if I’m in an electric boat, and I see I’m going down, and the water’s pouring in, so I know I’m going to be electrocuted, but five yards away there are sharks. Do I take the electrocution, or do I go swimming with the sharks?’ And you know what my answer was? I’ll take the electrocution, OK?”

“What I did do is it didn’t matter, because I ended that nonsense,” he continued. “That was another mandate – they had to have all boats be electric.”

There you have it, folks: “They had to have all boats be electric,” to avoid boat electrocutions.

Is anything Trump has said about batteries and boats several times over since 2023 accurate? Nope. Has he actually issued an order mandating how all boats must be manufactured? Also, nope.

Has Trump been fixated on his weird aversion to sharks for a very long time? Well, since at least 2013, apparently.

“Sorry folks, I’m just not a fan of sharks – and don’t worry, they will be around long after we are gone,” he tweeted 13 years ago for reasons I didn’t bother looking into, because some rabbit holes are so stupid that if you choose to fall down them, you’re kind of stupid, too.

Trump Fishes For Laughs With Joke About Banning Fishing

During the aforementioned Rose Garden dinner, which he threw to announce his executive orders rolling back certain hunting and fishing restrictions, he got a few polite laughs out of his audience by telling Bass Pro Shops founder Johnny Morris that he could’ve banned fishing across the nation, much like he banned shark bait-producing boat batteries, which, again, he did not.

“That means you can sell a lot of fishing rods, Johnny,” Trump declared, referencing his order mandating that Interior Secretary Doug Burgum expand the amount of federal land available to hunters and fishers. “You’re going to sell a lot of rods. I could have made it so you couldn’t sell. You couldn’t sell anything. I could have banned fishing.

“I’ll tell you what, the power of this office is crazy,” he continued. “I could have banned fishing and driven Johnny right the hell out of business. Okay. I think I’m going to do that. Just maybe just a quick order, just for a day or two, till he calls me and he says, ‘Please, President, please, you’re putting me out of business, sir.’”

Again, it was just a joke that his sycophants in the crowd were gracious enough to offer a little nervous laughter in response to, but it should be noted that the president is out here boasting about how “the power of this office is crazy,” while musing about something a president would absolutely not have the power to do, which, even if his joke were funny, it would be less funny once you consider the number of times he has actually tried to do things via executive order, only to have federal judges tell him his presidential powers don’t extend that far.

Trump Math Is A Very Special Math That Does Everything But Math

This week, while talking to reporters outside of Air Force One, Trump explained how he apparently thinks trade deficits work, which is exactly the kind of lesson one should take from the president whose unconstitutional tariffs caused the price of goods to skyrocket after he promised lower prices and no inflation on “day one.”

But fine, tell us how it all works, our great commander-in-six-bankruptcies.

“If we buy 2 billion dollars worth of Bananas from Brazil, we’re actually losing 2 billion dollars,” he said. “So if we stop eating bananas, we actually save 2 billion dollars.”

I mean — but then we have no bananas, and, sir, you will pry my banana bread from my cold, dead hands.

For those who don’t know, a trade deficit occurs when a country buys more goods and services from other nations than it sells to them. Trump recently mused that “if we stopped trade with every country we have a deficit with, which is most of them…we’d make at least $1.5 trillion a year.”

Trump doesn’t seem to understand that we have trade deficits with most countries we trade with because we need what other countries have, and we don’t make it here. By his non-logic, we could solve our own economic woes and make so much money if we didn’t need to eat, buy gas, live anywhere, or clothe ourselves. We would save so much money if we stopped spending it on things we need, which, according to Trump math, means we’re making that money, because, also, saving money and making money are the exact same thing.

You know — I’m starting to think the Trump calculator is faulty, and that’s probably why my prescription drug prices haven’t dropped by 300%, 400%, 600% and/or 1,500%.

For Some Reason, We’re Still Talking About The Damn Kennedy Center

Despite the fact that, on Tuesday, Judge Christopher R. Cooper barred the board at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts from restoring Trump’s name to the building, and, on Thursday, U.S. District Judge Christopher Cooper ordered the Trump administration to provide at least 30 days’ notice before taking any steps to demolish the Kennedy Center, Trump is still threatening to tear down the center if he’s not allowed to write his name on it again.

In fact, Trump is out here justifying his threats with absurd claims that he deserves the recognition because he is the only president who has taken on the task of maintaining the center, which he says, without evidence, is losing “hundreds of millions,” which, even if true, he doesn’t seem to realize the Kennedy Center’s financial losses have all been attributed to its association with him.

“For the Trump administration, for me, to get involved, and to take on long term, and to carry it, or to raise money to carry it, I think that the Trump administration should certainly have recognition,” the president said. “Because frankly, if we don’t do that, it’s going to close, it will end up being ripped down.”

Look, because this is the third Surviving Trump post in a row where I have discussed this Kennedy Center debacle, I have had ample opportunity to point out that ever since Trump’s hand-picked board named him the center’s chair and added his name to a building that was meant as a memorial to an assassinated president, the institution’s ticket sales have tanked, and a chorus line of musicians and other celebs have canceled their appearances there.

Speaking of celebrities, Mr. President, please don’t get your ass whooped by Barbra Streisand behind this Kennedy Center nonsense.

In a post made on her personal website, Streisand spoke on the history of the center, described President John F. Kennedy as a “true champion of the arts,” and described the building as “one of America’s great cultural venues.”

Then she went in on Trump and his refusal to take his L without threatening to take his ball and go home like the 80-year-old petulant child that he is.

“And now, a thoroughly defeated Trump has announced that the Kennedy Center is being closed for what the completely stacked board describes as a major renovation. Oddly, when Trump’s name was still on the building, there was no discussion of closing it!” she wrote. “You can easily imagine my indignation at seeing this revered institution become the subject of such a bitter struggle over one man’s name and unchecked ego.”

Barbra don’t even be speaking out like that these days. Trump is just bringing it out of everybody.

SEE ALSO:

Trump Begs Voters To Cheat, Implies Black People Hate America [Op-Ed]

Trump Defends 9/11 Lie, Offers $5K Bribe If Republicans Win Midterms

Surviving Trump: Trump Colors His Hair, Lies About 9/11, And More