FBI Director Kash Patel Testifies During A Senate Judiciary Hearing
Source: Win McNamee / Getty

So…

I try my best to stay out of white people’s business, but the Trump administration is a 24/7 MAGA marathon of white people’s business, and since that administration is running the nation, I, as a journalist — a bringer of the news — must report to y’all about something I never thought I’d have to report about before: bestiality in the FBI.

Oh, y’all think I’m just playing. Y’all think my TDS is flaring up again.

Nah.

From NBC 4 Washington:

FBI Director Kash Patel on Tuesday defended the bureau’s loosening of hiring requirements regarding prostitution and bestiality, saying the changes were meant to enable victims of those acts to apply for employment without fear of automatic disqualification.

The FBI quietly issued guidance this past spring lifting a categorical hiring ban on applicants who had previously engaged in prostitution, and said that it would instead consider the context of the behavior in at least some cases. The bureau made a similar change with regard to bestiality.

Pressed about the moves at a Senate Judiciary Committee oversight hearing, Patel denied that the changes reflected a lowering of employment standards and insisted that they were designed to protect victims who had been forced to engage in that conduct and preclude them from being automatically disqualified.

“We did not want to punish victims of bestiality, victims who were trafficked. We did not want to make it an automatic disqualification for the FBI to consider you,” Patel said.

Y’all understand this is the same administration that wants to ban trans people from the military, right?

Again, I really do try to stay to my own Black business — but I have questions.

First, WTF, man?

Secondly, is it not the case that in most cases of bestiality, the “victim” is usually the beast? Is Kash Patel saying the animals are the aggressors who don’t know “no” means “no”?

Third, how did any of this come up in the first place? Please tell me somebody wasn’t filling out an FBI application when they thought: “Hmmm, does that one drunken night with my cousin’s goat need to be disclosed?”

Lastly, if President Donald Trump is concerned that the Haitians are “eating the pets,” what does he think about his FBI agents — you know what — I’d rather not finish that thought.

Look, I’m just going to point out that under the administrations of Joe Biden and Barack Obama, I don’t remember Congress being compelled to schedule a session to tackle the issue of bestiality offenders’ roles in the federal government. I’m not saying it never happened; I’m just saying it didn’t come up in a Google search. From now on, if you Google “Trump,” “FBI,” and “bestiality,” you’ll see links. You’re not going to confuse the AI overview at all. Jussayin.

I just — I don’t know what we’re doing anymore. Every time I think America can’t jump the shark any further, we get more proof that every single person in this administration is Arthur Fonzarelli on a fresh pair of jet skis.

Anyway, according to the Washington Post, during the hearing, Patel had to answer for more than just his decidedly liberal attitude towards prostitutes and people who have had inter-species relations. He faced questions about the controversial management of his agency, his ousting of experienced agents, and the FBI’s plans for the midterm elections — all of which he defended, along with his record in the FBI overall.

“Over 18 months ago, during my confirmation process, I told you that the FBI needed to be faster, more efficient, eliminate bureaucracy and reduce the weaponization of law enforcement completely, embrace technological advancements, engage with our partners, and most importantly, let good cops be cops,” Patel said in his opening statement. “Under President Trump’s leadership, I’m proud to say we’ve not only accelerated that mission, we have delivered.”

From the Post:

Patel did not comment on specific firings, but he defended his decisions in general, saying he was reviewing files of FBI personnel and weeding out those who, he claimed, had contributed to politicizing the bureau.

“If you weaponize law enforcement, you don’t get to work at the FBI,” he said.

Patel also would not say whether FBI agents would be deployed to polling locations during the upcoming midterm elections. Military personnel and federal agents are generally not sent to polling places because of the risk of intimidating or interfering with voters as they cast their ballots.

Kash, sir, this administration has spent Trump’s entire second term taking credit for reducing crime that was already trending downward, weaponizing law enforcement against his political rivals — albeit entirely unsuccessfully — and firing seasoned DOJ attorneys in favor of lawyers with no prosecutorial experience. He’s pushing the advancement of technology that even the tech insiders say is dangerous. And if the FBI is going to the polls, it’s only to bolster the election propaganda you have helped the president spread.

This administration, including its FBI, has been a big, unfunny joke. And that was before we found out FBI employees were out here catching bestiality charges. Please, be for real.

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